Ole Johansen and Stewart Campbell were having a cook-off with various strange Norwegian and Scottish dishes. It’s a well-known fact that the Vikings spent a lot of time on the Scottish shores and even in the Highlands, so some of these dishes might have had the same origin.
Stewart presented with flair a fully prepared Scottish dish of “haggis,” which is traditionally made from a sheep’s stomach cleaned out and stuffed with ground sheep’s heart, lungs, trimmings, onions, oatmeal and various spices, and then boiled. “Heid doon arse up (get on with it)!” said Stewart to Ole.
“Fy flate (nelly)!” said Ole, who proceeded to present his “fårikål,” or lamb in cabbage, which is traditionally made from lamb meat trimmings and cabbage layered in a pot with whole peppercorns. It stinks so badly while cooking that the kitchen smells like a fetid two-seater outhouse.
Next, Ole presented the traditional Norwegian dish of “lutefisk,” or fish soaked in lye, which is made from spring caught codfish, cleaned, split and hung on a wooden rack on a cliff by the ocean to dry over the summer and fall, causing the meat to shrivel up as it dries. The dried fish is then soaked in lye to make the meat swell up again, followed by fresh water rinses until the lye is removed. Then the fish is boiled and served with melted butter. “Slå den (beat that)!”said Ole.
“All yer eggs are double-yakit (you’re a boastful windbag)!” said Stewart, who smiled and presented “crappit heid,” meaning “stuffed large head of cod fish.” The head is hollowed out, washed and descaled before ramming it full of oats, suet, onions and white pepper.
Stewart then presented “cullen skink,” which is a properly seasoned fish soup made from haddock and veggies. Stewart looked at Ole and said, “Yer aywis at the coo’s tail (hurry up! You’re always dragging your feet)!”
Ole shook his head and said “Nei nå skal du se (now watch this)!” and presented his traditional Norwegian dish of “rakfisk,”a fish dish made from trout or sometimes char, salted and fermented for two to three months, or even up to a year, then served without cooking.
Then Ole followed up with another traditional dish called “mølje,” which is a special thin flatbread soaked in fish stock and served with salt and pepper to taste. “Kan du gjøre bedre enn det (can you do better than that)?” asked Ole.
“Keep the heid (stay calm)!” answered Stewart, who brought forth “fatty cutty,” a similar Scottish dish with the consistency of bannock.
Stewart sat down with a big smile and thought he had clearly won the cooking contest, but that’s when Ole brought forth an old traditional Norwegian dish called “Smalahove,”which comes from the words “smala” meaning “sheep” and “hove” meaning “head.” The skin and fleece of the head is first torched then salted and smoked. The head is then steamed for about three hours and served whole on a metal platter, whereupon the chef, using a hammer and chisel, splits the head in half. The brain is scooped out and served separately. Norwegian akevitt is also served with this dish.
Stewart couldn’t match Ole’s “lefse,” which is a flat, thin potato cake, and really threw in the towel when Ole served the famous Norwegian desert dish “rømmegrøt,” or sour cream porridge. Ole was declared the winner!
Just so that you get an idea of how popular “lutefisk” is, please see the following quote from Garrison Keillor's book Pontoon: “Lutefisk is cod that has been dried in a lye solution. It looks like the desiccated cadavers of squirrels run over by trucks, but after it is soaked and reconstituted and the lye is washed out and it's cooked, it looks more fish-related, though with lutefisk, the window of success is small. It can be tasty, but the statistics aren’t on your side. It is the hereditary delicacy of Swedes and Norwegians who serve it around the holidays in memory of their ancestors, who ate it because they were poor. Most lutefisk is not edible by normal people. It is reminiscent of the afterbirth of a dog or the world's largest chunk of phlegm.”
Election time in the United States is getting nearer, and just consider if a woman from Wisconsin with Norwegian parents becomes president.
A few days after the election the president elect, whose name is Gunhild, called her father, Ole, and said, “Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don't think so,” said Ole. “It's an 18-hour drive.”
“Don't worry about it Dad. I'll send Air Force One and a limousine will pick you up at your door,” said Gunhild.
“I don't know,” said Ole, “what would your mother wear?”
“Oh Dad,” replied Gunhild, “I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington.”
“Oh honey,” Ole complained, “you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve akevitt?”
The president elect responded, “Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by a Norwegian caterer serving rakfisk wrapped in lefse as an appetizer, with a main course of lutefisk and rømmegrøt for dessert. You and mom just have to be there.” So Ole reluctantly agreed and on January 20, Gunhild is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sat the new president's parents.
Dad noticed the senator from Wisconsin sitting next to him, leaned over and whispered, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”
The senator whispered back, “You bet I do.”
Ole said proudly, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”
